Tuesday, 30 June 2020

My Grief

Meme - Elephant Journal

You know how many of you tell me in the comments that something I have written about, or a meme that I have shared has resonated strongly with you,  and you thank me for speaking out, publishing it and sharing.  Well yesterday my beautiful blogging buddy Elaine shared a meme on Facebook that stopped me in my tracks  Completely.  Utterly. 

 Like a boxing blow to the solar plexus that left me reeling.  I sat stock still my phone loosely grasped in my hands.  Then I caught my breath, regained some composure and thought it through.  Then I sobbed my bloody heart out ... for what is hopefully the last time.

I have been angry, angry for a long time, on and off for almost exactly three years in fact.


I wrote THIS post on my Our New Life in the Country blog about the day Alan was 'retiring', about how we would be working together more and more and how the 'day job' would be worked from home in a much smaller way.  I bought him the plaque to immortalise the date our new life together was to start.

But bit by bit the day job work ramped up again and he spent more and more time in the office, squeezing the basic maintenance jobs around the smallholding back into the three days a week they had always been done on when he had been away.   Yes, we had more of each others company for lunch and in the evenings, but I think I was always waiting for the 'day job' to be the one or two day a week thing or the three, three day conventions a year part of Alan's life that we had originally planned for.  With us slowing things down on the smallholding for the early retirement together that we had originally talked about sat on the stairs of my little shop way back in 2008.

It took Alan until early last year to admit to me that 'the Good Life' was no longer the life he wanted.  He had loved the putting together of the smallholding, the research into the solar power systems and other eco friendly things we have installed.  He loved acquiring all the machinery that fills his workshop, and I loved watching his boyish delight with each and every machine or gadget being delivered ... and teased him about it mercilessly.

BUT,  then he admitted loved his job MORE, and wanted to carry on doing it for as long as possible.  We sat down and discussed all options, what would we do, how would we want the future and came up with plan to sell this place, to cash in on our investment and move forwards in a different way.  Being nearer family was important for both of us, being somewhere with an equal travel time to Alan's work in Berkshire was important to him, and being nearer to people and life was important to me.

I have told him over the years, quite a few times, on the occasions when he has noticed my despair, how I actually feel.  He knew how dejected I was just a few short months into our new life in the country about giving up what I had left behind.  Leaving my tiny shop in the town I loved and had always wanted to live in.  The business I had built and the friends I had gathered during my time working for myself and for the local hospice.  More recently during flare ups when I told him he has turned on me and told me not to drag up the past, to move forward and that I should simply adapt. 

So for the past year I thought I had been angry, so very angry.  I held it in my tense shoulders, in my snap back words, in the high blood pressure that rises at the drop of a hat.

You lovely lot have seen it on my posts, have read between the lines and asked if I am okay.  There have been emails and comments, love shown and strength offered and I have used that to help me get to this point.  And it took one simple meme, of few words to clarify something that I should have seen so long ago.  

It wasn't anger I was feeling ... it was grief.

I have been grieving the things I gave up, the plans we made together that never came to fruition and were sometimes never mentioned again after the memory of the promises made were perceived to have faded.  

I have been grieving what I had, what I loved and what had been taken away with my permission.  I have been grieving that I have changed so much that I have to dredge the old part of me up on a regular basis to remind myself of what I could be.

Of what I will be again.


Sue xx






46 comments:

  1. Oh Sue, I want to hug you. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Sue like Sooze I want to give you a huge hug. Grief isn't only about losing someone, it can be the loss of your dreams and future plans. You are an extremely resilient strong lady and without a doubt you will find the right path for you♥♥ There is so much I want to write, however certain people have told me "less is more" xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. So sorry you have been going through all this pain Sue, I hope you feel lighter now it's in the open and can concentrate now on what you will be again. My advice Sue is follow your heart and be true to yourself, you are a strong woman, you have a beautiful soul and deserve to be happy and have the life that YOU deserve. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks heavens for that saying and I am glad you were able to recognise your grief. Hope you continue to get decisions made and things sorted out.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't know what to say, so will just send a ((hug))

    ReplyDelete
  6. That was a bit heavy. I am reluctant to say anything because it may be the wrong thing. However.....we all have to move on, the only way is forward. Follow your instincts, you know what you must do, your life, you choose, and take full responsibility for your actions. Love sent.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so sorry, Sue. Living your life in limbo, waiting for something at the end, is one thing. Finding out that you are not going to get it is quite another. I hope that where you go next will mean that both of you will feel fulfilled, because it's just not fair otherwise.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I understand and hope you can work out something that suits you both

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sorry to hear this. At least you have realised what went wrong and still have time to put things right. Much better than hanging onto thoughts for a lifetime and never doing anything about it. Good luck on your next stage.

    ReplyDelete
  10. It is so difficult when you are not singing from the same hymn sheet. You must do what YOU want to do in life and be in control again. Gut feelings are always good to follow . . .

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sue, I was pretty sure that this was what was up with you. Believe me when I say I really do understand. I don't like giving out advice in relationships but I have been in situations in the past when I've had to tell myself to accept the way things are, know when I'm not going to 'win' and learn to let go of what I can't control. It has hurt, I have grieved and I have had to relearn to live my life in a different way. Not saying that you should do the same but I do feel your pain. Lots of love, there are better times to come. Wish we could meet up for a coffee and a chat! xx

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sue - there will be many peoplein your situation who feel as you do but have never actually faced up to it You have faced up to it and now it is up to you. Noone can tell you what to do - but at least you are at the cross roads. I send you love and my very best wishes that somehow you find your way through it and find peace again.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sue,
    Sorry to hear what you've been going through. Only you know which way is forward for you. There must have been an awful lot of soul searching for you. Go forward, try not to look back and make a new road for yourself. Only you know what you need and what you want. Hope you find some peace soon.
    It is so hard when your dreams are not longer shared by the person you share your life with.
    Sending Hugs

    Kim

    ReplyDelete
  14. I can so relate to this post, albeit in a slightly different way. For years my husband promised me we would go and live in NZ - for me it would be returning to my home country... even to the extent when we last went there together, way back in 2005 now we looked at properties, came home packed up a lot of stuff ready for decorating and putting the house on the market. Of course it never happened. I have gone through a lot of anger over the years, and yes eventually recognised it as grief too. I am still not quite in the place where I can accept it, but hopefully learning to move on in what I consider my 'compromise' now living on the Isle of Wight. How you get over it I don't know, but recognising it for what it is is a step in the right direction I believe.

    ReplyDelete
  15. felt sad reading this, we have plans and hopes/not unlike yours, but they aren't happening, I despair so often then kick myself for my selfish ambitions - we women I think are always the peacemaker, the go-between, the fixer to find the compromise to keep everyone happy, close and secure, to stop the boat rocking - it's hard work and I'm tired, so tired (and angry sometimes)… and at 61 starting to think I may be too late, too selfish, too unrealistic - what's the point anyway if others in the family won't be near, won't be on board, won't be independent, so I wait for the time when everyone is ready .. it may never come... Covid 19 isn't just a risk to our health it's a risk to our future, our security, our relationships - everything. Thanks for sharing in this post, I hope you can find a way to get the balance you want - hope I can too!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I hope you can find your way back to happiness again. Your blog and stories bring us joy.

    ReplyDelete
  17. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Sending you hugs. Sometimes even when things happen that we want and have even put in motion ourselves, we greive for what we have lost or given up for that to happen. The only thing I would say is you must do what will suit you and make you happy. You deserve happiness. Helen S.x

    ReplyDelete
  19. 💗💗 (damn emojis not working properly today 🙄 ).

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh Sue, I do so feel for you and am so sorry for how you are feeling. My situation is similar but opposite my husband came home from work one day ( aged 64 then ) sat on the sofa with his head in his hands, most unlike him, he said the pressure of work was getting to him and he was starting to feel ill so straight away I said give up, it's not worth it, we will manage, he only had a year to go to pension, so he retired. With this situation given to us so quickly it came as a shock to both of us, especially me, and after a while I found I resented him invading my territory because we hadn't planned. We downsized and we have managed but it has affected our marriage, we neither of us want to give up on the marriage so this is where the static van comes in, we can have much needed time on our own with time together also when we want. I have found that spending too much time together can sometimes be destructive, it doesn't mean we don't care for each other ,we acknowledge that we are still individuals and don't always want to do the same things and I must accept that he misses parts of his job and hasn't found something to replace it.I like you had an ideal of what retirement would be but it isn't to be and I am adjusting but am still saddened and I feel cheated and I think you do too, I wish you resolution and contentment, Chrissie x

    ReplyDelete
  21. Such a heart felt post Sue and if I may say so a very brave one. Life is extraordinary even more so at the moment and it can be difficult to know if we are going in the right direction when we all have so much choice today. Every now and then I wonder if I could live my life in a better more fulfilled way and wish for a clear answer, which never comes. Assessing and questioning our daily life every so often is the best I think we can do coupled with following our instincts. I hope things work out for you soon. I'll be with you virtually and cheering you on.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Grief often shows itself as anger. You are lucky to have discovered it and now you can 'deal' with it. I wish you well with the discussions that are bound to follow this realisation and hope you both find a suitable compromise. Sending a virtual hug. x

    ReplyDelete
  23. You are brave to share such deep feelings. You are also very intuitive and will know the way forward. It seems you have taken some steps already by putting up your property for sale. Also you have your wonderful van to go stay at. virtual hugs across the pond from California.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I just saw on another blog, "One day at a time" and I think your message and that message go well together. You have made a big break through. I wish you the best as you find your way into your future - one day at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Suddenly now in a wheelchair and paralyzed, we're struggling over how we can possibly replace our many plans for travelling and adventure. Now I can't even get out on local adventures like following a trail in the woods. Before I spent every day outside. Thank goodness we travelled lots before this happened! A lot of grief and anger, that's for sure. And being stuck together 24/7 is no way to live. Now I finally understand your caravan and your decision to sell your home. Have courage and look forward, not backward.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I don't know what happened to my comment but it disappeared!

    Be true to yourself. I know it's a clique but you must find the path that's right for you in pursuit of happiness. As others have clearly said, you are one amazingly strong lady and will succeed in whatever you do in the future. Sending hugs. Take care. X

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thank you to each and every one of you for all these lovely comments. They really help.

    You'll get the second part of the story and other happenings one day in the future, just not yet.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh Sue, this post has made me cry. I guessed you were unhappy a while ago but you are a strong, kind, resourceful woman and you will get to your happy place at some point. Stick with it. Life can be so unfair. We make plans and they don't always work out as we hoped. When we moved to the country 10 years ago it was meant to be forever but circumstances changed and we have had to move again, using up all our savings to do something we really didn't plan to do. Thank you for sharing your story. You are so brave and I am sending you lots of comforting hugs. Stay well x

    ReplyDelete
  29. I won't advise or judge but I will say this, you only have one life Sue! More hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Yesterday's meme and today's really do tell the story. So sorry for the pain, anger and grief which is completely understandable. Wishing you all the best in whatever choices you make going forward.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I too send you hugs and understand the loss of dreams caused by what life sends. Thank you for the post. I also find that dreams can change and sometimes we have mistaken the dreams of others,as our own. Gives me more to think about.
    Hugs from S Wales xxx.
    Kathy

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oh Sue, bless you for discovering this and I hope you are able to release the heavy weight of both anger and grief. I hope for you joy, love and peace.

    I also want to thank you for this post for you have helped me to realize I have been doing the same thing. I have been unhappy and angry about many things in my life that did not go as I had hoped they would go. I have been holding a grudge about some of these things and all that does is hurt yourself and others. I see now that I have a lot of thinking and changing to do.

    Hugs and take good care of yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  33. So much loss and pain is hard to bear. Sending you love and hugs and a prayer for a brighter day dawning x

    ReplyDelete
  34. Sue, I don't say this enough but your quest for simplicity is an inspiration to me. You will be where you wish to be I'm sure if you stay true to you. Your spirit is strong but your health is suffering. I feel like you've had an epiphany today and your life is now firmly back in your own hands. Good luck and sending hugs along the way x

    ReplyDelete
  35. I can't say that I didn't see this from many of your prior posts. It's heart breaking when you make such a huge change in your life and it doesn't work out the way you hoped it would. I hope the next stage in your life is more in line with what you both want. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Firstly Sue, huge big mega hug! I did wonder recently if I'd missed something as I've not been in blogland much due to 'stuff.'

    Secondly, yep I've been angry and grieving for the past year. It was actually my counsellor who pointed it out. Grieving for the life I was promised and waited for then was taken away because someone changed his mind about he wanted after all. And it's difficult when they're still a big part of your life but not your future.

    I hope you eventually get everything you deserve and much much more xxx

    ReplyDelete
  37. Sounds like you are back on the right path for your future, the way you can manage and be content.
    Life is not a rehearsal....but sometimes it's damn hard to make the 'adult' choices.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Sending you virtual hugs, but I think that now that you have it figured out you will be able to regain some of what you lost. Mostly yourself I think. Bless you as you travel this uncharted territory. You are strong, you will make it.

    God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Oh, dear Sue, I feel so sad for you - and relieved at the same time - if that makes any sense! You have at least broken through to a new level of understanding of what is driving you, and once that has had time to 'bed in' that hopefully will help you plan for what your heart needs you to do. Sending hugs and warm thoughts to support you.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I can relate to this too Sue, for years I have lived my life in waiting, the problem is that I don't know what I am waiting for.....
    Take care x

    ReplyDelete
  41. Thank you everyone this has been a tremendous support, just when |I needed it most.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I am late to this party Sue but just to say I hope you both find yourself again and can move forward together. Time just drifting around is never wasted though - it often helps to clarify who we are and what we really want in our minds. As Alan has found, what we think we want is often not what we really want. Best wishes for your new adventures.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Dear Sue. I don't know what to say that will help you, but I can send a virtual hug from over the pond. x Lynne

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hope everything works out for you Sue and you find your happy place again. You have given so much support/inspiration and enjoyment through your blog posts and it's been an absolute pleasure to come along with your journeys and share parts of your life. Hugs and lots of good wishes, Louise.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Hugs . Clear thinking going forward, hope it comes to you just what the solution is. Then,you can find the path to getting there. You are strong. Keep on.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for reading my ramblings, if you would like to leave a comment I would love to read it ... unless you are very rude, insult me or one of my readers, or a troll in which case you will be deleted.